A Purge...

How To Tell Your Best Friend That You Are in Love With Him: A how-to column by Bridgette Brady, who has no idea.


First of all, be sure that you are, in fact, in love with your best friend. You will know that you are when, after 9 years of friendship, you suddenly realize that were he to exit your life in some manner, you could not possibly function, and that somewhere in the back of your mind, you are looking forward to your 35th birthday because that's when your Plan B agreement with him merits a true discussion of whether or not you want to go through with it. Realizing that you keep leaving each other for stretches of time for other things, but always seem to get right back to it after 5 minutes of awkward catching up like no time has passed at all.

Also, if he has consistently dated stupid 19 year olds because they have curly hair or are skanky, or like cars, but have no substance whatsoever, and then, all of sudden he starts dating a girl who looks like you, kind of, and you are so wracked with jealousy that you can't even look in their general direction, and it causes you to write giant run-on sentences about the issue, you should probably take some time to figure out where that jealousy is coming from.

Thirdly, if he hugs you the same as he always has, and that is something you look forward to subconciously, but then it makes you nervous because you're worried that you are suddenly standing closer to him, or holding on to him a little bit longer than you should, maybe, and so all you really want to do is hug him but you're too anxious about it to do it, but then you think that maybe he will see something in your hesitance, and you're still writing run-on sentences, what more proof do you need, for crying out loud?

Okay, so does he love you back that way? Let's see...girl who looks like you? Maybe. Comments about how awesome you are? Maybe. But he's sort of always done that, and that's why you like him. General demeanor which includes more hand touching and texting than usual? Maybe...and definitely enough to make you think something should be said.Agreeing to be engaged to you, even if just for fun? Maybe. Telling you that even though you are jealous of his new girlfriend, he is not jealous at all when YOU date someone? Maybe not.


See? Maybe, maybe, maybe not.

What's there to lose? Perhaps it's something that, once said, solves every major issue you have about yourself, right? Maybe it's forever and ever and wonderful and easy and comfortable and great and full of babies and laughing and kissing and home repairs and vacations and fighting and making up. Then again, maybe it's something that, once said, takes your best friend away from you forever. Maybe he will freak out and get mad even, because you've changed everything without asking him.

Maybe he already knows and is dreading the day you finally say it.

Maybe he wants to say it but can't, just like you.

Maybe you say it, try it out, and it doesn't fit. Would that be the end of the world? Yeah, it would a little.


So many maybes and so much to lose, and so much disappointment in my lack of fearlessness on this one.

And then how to say it:

Hey, I think I'm in love with you.

That's all it is right there. Eight words total, including the greeting, and I cannot get them to exit my face in his presence.

Or something less direct? Maybe flowers, a CD, cookies, meatpies, cake, or Christmas dinner. Except I already did all that. If it can be SHOWN, it has been, and he hasn't said anything, which shatters my confidence and leads me to think that I am WAY off. And I'm too scared to be grossly obvious, and I'm sure he knows me well enough to know that THAT'S how I do it, with flowers, a CD, cookies, meatpies, cake, and Christmas dinner. That's how I've always done it, and he's witnessed that sad approach at least 10 times. How could he not see that?


The fear and the unknown of it has me crippled. I can't risk it, nor can I say it, but I can't deal with it, either. If it was anyone else, he's the one I would talk to about it. I'm as confused and embarassed as I was when I was 13 years old, for crying out loud. And I think about it so much that it is completely overthought to the point where I think I've fabricated the emotion itself to deal with lonliness, aging, and stagnation in my life. So, I don't know for sure that I really AM in love with him, which brings me back to Step One up there, and then I cycle through this whole blog again.


I'm 34 years old. I know enough to know that if someone sticks to you that long, there's more to it. Girls that stick like that will be your very best until the day you die, and you're lucky to have ONE of them. Boys that stick like that are either interested or think they might be someday. They think you're good enough to hang on to, but not ready yet or not quite sure...as long as you are somewhat available. For real, how many NOT gay very close male friends do you still have after you're married? And how many of them are this boy? Who fixes your broken things, gives you money, picks you up every time you need it, wraps his arms around you because things are good, wraps his arms around you because things are bad, and wraps his arms around you because it's Tuesday? And will back up your ghost story because he was there for it? And what boy would, one time only, wake up in the middle of the night for your phone call and let you sleep there because you were so heartbroken that you didn't think you would make it through, then hold you like a vice and never mention it again because you were embarassed to be so weak as to need that?

A boy who loves you does that, right?

Right?


Terrified of yes, terrified of no? Terrified of not saying anything?


Maybe he reads your blog.